EMAIL THE OBSCURE ONE

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What to say what to say...How about today we investigate bad product ideas from the Vaguely Obscure on-line marketting program. First up:
Ninja Frisbee In this game, particpants take turns hurling throwing stars at each other, catching them, and sending them back. The winner is the last one to have 2 working fingers (must be attached by more than a band-aid). This game could be played in teams or in group format. Not to be confused however with ultimate Ninja frisbee. An interesting irony to this game is that many traditional frisbee players are pacifists. Now to enjoy the game, that will have to change. There is not a penalty for novices who use their heads to catch the throwing stars. Cost $19.99 per set of three. Disability insurance extra. All requests must be accompanied by a waiver of rights to sue manufacturer.

Our next items are from the Horrible Fragrence collection. We have many distastful aromas with which to drive away unwelcome house guests. Each candle is guarenteed to burn for 8 hours or until your guests run screaming from the house. The following is a partial list of available fragrances: Wet Dog, Curdled Milk, Moldy Bread, Tepid Dishwater, Essence of New Jersey, and a seasonal favorite Summer Sweat.

Finally, a little something for the kids (and the kids at heart). Who doesn't love Beanie Babies? We are proud to introduce our foray into the exciting world of plush, cute toys for spoiled kids: the Road Kill Collection. There is Ricky the Bloated Raccoon, Sammy the smushed armadillo, Mickey the mangied dog, and Rufus the rotting rat. Roll the credits.

posted by Darol at 3:31 PM

 
Welcome to the first edition of the Golden Straw. The Golden Straw is dedicated to things that suck. From time to time I will hand out the Golden Straw for various topics. In honor of the grammy's being this week, today's category is worst albums/artists. Now before I get flamed on the message board by the three people who actually read this, I will defend myself by saying that this is totally subjective. since I am the one with the award, I get to give out the awards as I please.
The first golden straw goes to the artist who made poor decisons--lifetime award John-Cougar-Mellencamp-cougar-John-Mellencougar-Johncamp. He gets the golden straw for having more name changes than Elizabeth Taylor who was at least married 8 times to support her name changes. It's not that I hate his music; his music doesn't suck. All of his name changes do suck. Notice he hasn't changed his name in several years. Mostly because no-one knows who is he these days.
The next Golden Straw goes to the 8 mile soundtrack. No I didn't listen to this one. I didn't have to see the movie either because I saw the 3 minute montage of commercials that told me the story and captured all the music I needed in one tidy little annoying commercial. Wanna-be rapper works crummy job, lives a crummy life, has a crummy family. Wanna-be wants to be a star. Gets a chance, blows it. Rest of movie spent in the angst-ridden life of wanne-be making the most of his next chance. Finally, Rocky errr Eminem conquers all. All songs spent talking about new great job, great life, and chance to have great family. Until 8 mile (2) where Eminem meets a Russian Rapper who takes steroids and after rapping beats people down. That too would suck.
Our next Golden Straw goes to most annoying artist of the year. So many difficult choices for this one. However, the winner is Christina Aguilara. I don't even care if I spelled her name wrong. Why does she get the golden straw? Is it because she dressed like tramp? Nope. Is it because she looks like a cat that has been run through the dishwasher 13 times? Nope. Is it because her video dirty is just too stupid for words? Nope. Although all three reasons would get her nominated for the golden straw. The main reason she wins is her song "Beautiful." See the problem is that you can't have these first three things and then claim you are beautiful as you are. Huge problem. Now you could claim "hey I went through those first three things then I came to my senses and God saved me and now I am beautiful." Then you would have a great song. But you don't get to be a dirty, disheveled, smutty tramp (by your own choice) and then claim that it makes you beautiful. Side note: Nautilus gets a golden cocktail straw for playing music like this while I am working out. There is little motivation in the gym while this is playing. And as I am currently falling apart as an old, flabby 35 year old I need all the motivation I can get. Play some rock...heck play elevator muzak but not this stuff
Golden Straw for album of the year goes to Elvis. yeah I know he was the king. but you shouldn't get to release albums 20 years after you are dead. Sure it may not be his fault. Who cares? It still sucks that he has albums coming out this long after he has died. Plus, the songs are already all released. These aren't new ones. These are all songs put together on one album. However, everyone who has a cd burner has already done this. Everyone who doesn't have a burner probably already owns the other albums. It reminds me, sadly, of one of my favorite Christian Bands, Whiteheart. Whiteheart was near the end of their career as a band but the record company wanted to make huge (cha-ching) change. So, guess what? White heart released 3 albums in a row that were greatest hits. This, to go along with 3 previous greatest hits albums. 6 greatest hits albums. If I ever get to be in a band, we are releasing our greatest hits album as our first one. saves time.
Well that about does it for the first Golden Straw. We will bring you the after Golden Straw party highlights at a later time. Roll the credits.
posted by Darol at 10:08 AM

 
I know it's easy to do but I am going to take the cheap post and blog on France. I mean really, what in the heck have they done for the world? I don't care about somebody's politics. Hey you don't think there should be a war fine. You think there should be a war fine. but france shouldn't get a vote. All they do is lose wars, surrender, make wine, and then surrender some more just to be sure that the first surrender took. They don't scare anybody. In fact, I bet Saddam is almost a little mad that France doesn't want to fight. at least he could win that one. How did France even get in the UN? I guess everyone figured that they were tired of going in during each war and taking backa country that the French can't defend. So they must have figured, what the heck, we will just let France be on our side and that way save the aggrivation of marching through their stupid country to take it back once they lose to the shriners or whatever else little convention overruns them. They don't even make good fries anymore and Walmart makes their bread for a buck. What a loser country. We should ask our selves what would we really lose by giving France away. We could trade them for gatorade and let them joing with Iraq. At least when Germany want to fight you, you remember the past and get a little concerned. Ok so I know that I am not the first person to have invective toward France and certainly others have put it better but c'mon. You take away their berets and that one big tower and France really doesn't offer much. Most high schools aren't even teaching French anymore. well they might be teaching it but nobody cares and who really takes it? you can only learn to save "we give up" in so many ways. France wasn't always that bad. I mean they had the muskateers (although now that I think about it the mousekateers might not be a walt disney group). roll the credits
posted by Darol at 2:39 PM

 
This will not be a long one, but it will carry with it a very serious plea. Please help stop movies from showing in Huntsville. Now I know that having a cinema here is convenient. I know that the prices are good, only $5 for the movie and snacks are reasonable. However, the madness must end. Premier night of any movie in Huntsville is akin to inviting the Manson family (charles or Marrilyn) over to your house for an evening of scrabble. There is great chaos and you must fear for your life. First, the families of huntsville have no clue what to bring children to. YOU DO NOT bring 12 year old and younger children to the movie you want to see when it's rated R. And if you must corrupt your child, why are you doing it at the 9:30 pm showing? Put your child to bed and take the $8.50 in tickets and snacks and buy a book on parenting. Or at least get one of those leashes for children because having them play hide and seek in the aisles is not a good idea. This is how little children get beat up by older children. Or at least threatened with knives, but you would have to seek out and ask Curtis about that.

An even larger problem is the adults. Repeat after me, we do not yell things at the screen because the big pictures can not hear you, they won't react to you, and they will not do what you say. Of course this is to be expected in a town that makes its living by combining odd businesses. For example if you drive down 11th street you will pass a businness that sells transmissions and shoes. I couldn't make that up if I tried. and believe me, I have tried to beat it. Even barbershop/grooming kennels makes more sense because they both utilize cutting instruments. Welcome to the fringes of East Texas where it only gets weirder the deeper you travel. When resteraunts end their name with "shack", no matter how good the food, you need to be suspcious. In Livingston there is the "Chicken Shack". Think about.....someone not only thought it was a good name but they kept thinking it was a good name as they made the sign to the establishment. Even confronted with "Chicken Shack" they maintained that it was good eatin. Back to the movies.

the screens are smaller than most big screen tv's and my living room holds nearly as many people as some of the theaters. Now that wouldn't be bad except that means you area really close to the people why buy their shoes from the transmission place while snacking on the Chicken Shack Snack Pack. Plus you get to watch the slide show of a dentist as part of the previews. If you are not from huntsville you probably think I am making this up. If you are from Huntsville, then you are either nodding your head in shame or wiping your chin from snack pack and thinking "I kinda thought that dentist movie had been previewin for a long time". Ban the cinema. Roll the credits.

posted by Darol at 3:13 PM

 
Now it's not that I am against Valentine's Day. It's not that I am a lonely person who has no one for Valentine's day and am thus full of bitter invective. Well ok that might be part of it but still that's not the main reason for this complaint. I think Valentine's Day is alright. I actually enjoyed giving out presents and cards when I was dating someone. But the current commercial crop is insane when it comes to Valentine's Day. I can see giving candy, cards, music, little special knick-knacks from the little special knick-knack store. However, now the commercials on the tv and radio are just looney. I mean running a special on cell phones for your sweetheart? that doesn't scream of love, it screams of stalking. "here honey, since I don't know where you are every minute of the day I bought you a phone so that I could keep tabs on you. and would you mind wearing this sensor tag so that I can track you properly as well? Love you." Not a good idea if you value the lack of restraining orders in your relationships. Then there is the diamond companies. Ok, jewelery is a decent gift for valentine's day. At least some of it is. However the commercials have you purchasing a $2000 "treat" for your sweetie. Now if you add up the amount that the jewelery stores want to you spend on the wedding ring, her birthday, and valentine's (the last two being yearly gifts), you need three jobs. So, essentially you are giving these trinkets because you aren't off work any other time in the year because you are working 120 hours weeks. So every kiss begin's with K (Kay Jewelers) but every stroke begins with buying $10,000 dollars in annual diamonds. Now we come to the commercials that have nothing to do with the Valentines. they are just looking for some cheap exposure. Do you really care that Culligan's is running a February special? What are they gonna say? "give your love a healthy heart--good water." Although it is better than the commercial I can envision being run for eye lasic surgery. "Do you want to really see who you have been dating? then give the gift of vision." The Beef council--nothing says love like steak. Actually I am kinda in agreement with that one. Roll the credits
posted by Darol at 12:36 PM