EMAIL THE OBSCURE ONE

The short nap at the end of a long night.

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It's been one week......(the fans of the barenaked ladies will now finish humming the song). What I have learned from elementary students over the last few days is summed by the following points. When free recess time is given to elementary students and an adult is present: 1) It is a moral imperative to scream the adults name repeatedly to insure that you are seen on the playground; 2) the louder you scream the more necessary it is to follow up the name with "look at me"; 3) No matter what the adult says, you must repeat 1 and 2 even while the adult looks you in the eye; 4) when playing catch with any ball of any sort, you must catch the ball and hurl it back at the adult at precisely the same time as the other 7 children. This allows the adult (me) to look like a bigger fool than usual as 3 footballs, a soccer ball, a kickball, and a marble come colliding in at precisely the same time; 5) any game for kindergarteners that involves running around with no rules is the coolest game ever invented; and 6) Go long to a an elementary student going out for a pass means to run 8 yards and stop to watch the ball sail over your head; unless you are Robert and I will talk about him in a second. By the way rules 2 and 5 combine in a very powerful manner. There is nothing quite like 20 kindergarteners screaming look at me while hanging from a monkey bar. Especially when your reply is "I am looking at you." This confuses their plan. Their plan was to continue calling your name thinking you wouldn't listen. If you do listen this causes a short circuit in their thinking. Sort of like me and Spanish.
See I learned Spanish in 7th grade. I got my book and memorized that one page that was a sample of the Spanish Language. Now I don't truly know what Spanish says but I do know that I am supposed to say something and then the Spanish speaker says something and the process continues. Now in the text book world the conversation goes like this: I say hello how are you. You reply great and how about you. I say good thank-you and then we part company with a Hasta la something. However in the real world of Mexico City 4 years ago I did my part but no-one else played.
Darol: Como estas?
Mexico City Native: Hey look the goofy American boy is trying to talk to us. Poor guy he sounds really bad and I will bet he doesn't know what I am saying.
Darol: Bien. Gracias. and I am thinking--Heh heh. Boy am I good at this. I didn't even hear him ask me how I was doing but I fooled him just the same.
Mexico City native: Why is he saying Good and thank you? That's it; we should punch him in the esophagus. Not because he is from USA but because he thinks he is really fooling us. He should be honest and say, "Sorry guys I don't understand your language. Would you mind helping me?"
Darol: Hasta la later....er Hasta la manna...No wait that's food from heaven....uh Hasta las Vegas. I mean.....Hasta. Oops may have blown my cover on that one. Darn
Mexico city Native: What? Is he telling me he will see me in Las Vegas? and it's pronounced "Ah-sta" not "Hah-sta"! What a goofball. I wonder how Americans say goofball.

See the kindergarteners were same:
Kinder: Look at me, Mr. Hail
me: you are doing great
Kinder: Look at me, Mr. Hail
me: Yeah pal, I see you
Kinder: Look at me, Mr. Hail
me: I am right here buddy.. I see you
Kinder: Look at me, Mr. Hail
me: I know. Way to go
Kinder: Look at me, Mr. Hail
me: yes.
Kinder: Look at me, Mr. Hail
me:------------------ (counting to ten)
Kinder: Look at me, Mr. Hail
Me: make that ten thousand
Kinder: Look at me, Mr. Hail
me: No time to reply as the football gang just showed up and pelted me with 4 new footballs in the back of the head.

The final two stories are sweet tales of youth. Robert (whose name may or may not be changed to protect the innocent demands to go long for a pass. Robert is the only one who figures out that going long means running a long way. Go, Robert, go. Unfortunately, Robert doesn't realize you need to look for the ball at some point. So he continues to run. Stop Robert Stop. I throw the ball assuming Robert at some point will want to catch the ball. I yell "look Robert look". Robert continues running. Until he turns at the last second to have ball greet him in the head and send him falling to the ground. Fall Robert fall. I promise and would even swear if it were Biblical that I did not mean to do that to him. He smiles, jumps up and runs the ball back to me for round 2.
Jerry on the other hand wants to climb the monkey bars but he wants me to carry him up the monkey bars and place him at the top. Then promise to catch him and swing him on the bars while he sits there enjoying the view. Jerry (again another name change) doesn't understand why I won't do these things for him and takes up the look at me mantra. However, since he his standing beside me holding his hands up for me to place him on the monkey bars he doesn't understand the non-effect. For those thinking I am being cruel, Jerry is a child who doesn't want to ever exert himself. Just have people carry him about the playground....so he won't have to sweat. Errrrr. Sorry Jerry, not so much. Roll the credits.


posted by Darol at 1:49 PM

 
The better parts of winter travel. I know that it's been a long time since posting here. It has been my intention to focus on cup of water. However, there was too much happening this weekend to pass up on.
Allow me to address the joys of flying into snow storms. We land in Salt Lake City and everything is great. It's snowing but things are still going ok. Then we are told that the weather to casper is bad enough that we might not be able to get there--instead we might have to go to Billings. Ok, this is fair. I have now been warned that the twin prop plane that is smaller than most models might not handle the storm. I have further been informed that the pilot who would be on the ground swinging the wire for the plane might not make it because he would get too cold. Ok, still fine. Enter the airport mistake parade. TOO MUCH INFORMATION. They proceed to tell us that we now need 5 volunteers to make the plane lighter so that we can add more fuel to make the trip. Don't tell me things that make me understand how foolish I am for picking this plane. We are too small of plane to make it, so get off and we will put more fuel on. Where? Will I now be riding next to the 5 canisters of fuel? What if the fuel ways more than the 5 people who volunteered? Worse, what if they don't. What if the people were bigger than the fuel? So now I was going to be in a worse spot if it wasn't snowing?
Mistake of too much information number 2-- We take off. We are in the blizzard. The pilot informs us we are going to try to make Casper but if not then it's on to Billings. Again a good place to stop. Nope, apparently my pilot was Mark Twain. He feels the need to spend 20 minutes on the intercom explaining the visibility problems, the snow, and worst of all how we really won't know if we can make it until we try to land and then if doesn't work, we will go on. DOESN'T WORK?!? If it doesn't work we have much bigger problems. I don't need this. Just land the plane and then tell me "Welcome to..........." Who cares where we land. At that point I will just be grateful to be alive. Tell me your story of narrow escape at point and I will buy you dinner. Tell me as you are flying and all I do is scream, panic, pray, and wonder what the heck you are doing while you are spinning your yarn of flight. Shouldn't you be focused on the blizzard at hand?
Now we did make it and all was well. Plus 24+ inches of snow makes for a great trip. As an additional highlight, I was able to remove the multitude of icicles from my mom's house. These suckers were huge. Some of them actually got to be about a foot and a half long. So I could remove them from the roof and pretend I was Zeus hurling the mighty lightening (ice) bolts. Pretty cool feeling. The squirrels who were not hibernating seemed to be impressed by me.
All in all a grand trip. Roll the credits.
posted by Darol at 10:24 AM

 
Are you kidding me, the few (ok two people) who visit here haven't seen anything in over two months. I am thinking that I have only an audience of 1 left. ME. Not to worry, I will be back for more. So today I will blog on....Kindergarten graduation. I am sorry I know that I am supposed to think that it's a great thing since my school has one. But come on. Who doesn't graduate kindergarten? I mean I understand that if you are a little school that has only kindergarteners and they are leaving for a new school, maybe you could buy the whole thing. But for us, they are graduating to go............to the next door down the hall. That's it. And I am sorry but you have to be really far behind to not pass kindergarten. You don't really have to know your colors, though it helps. You don't really have to count, though it helps. You don't even have to know letters, though it helps. Why? BECAUSE Kindergarten is not manditory. Therefore you can't really fail it. So we have a ceremony, music, pictures, and an auditorium full of people to watch kids go to the next doorway? Oh you are being caustic, D. No I am not. Especially since I am unsure of the meaning of the word. We have to have ceremonies that have meaning or everything is devalued. What if the kid thinks "hey I did my part I graduated that kinder thing.....no more for me." That won't look good on a resume. I am telling you because I have seen some resumes that listed that as their last and only graduation. DID you know that they actually had kindergarten graduation parties? What?!? (always wanted to put severl marks together like that.) I am serious. I guess if I am the kid this is a good thing. I would demand graduation gifts and more freedoms. Roll the credits.
posted by Darol at 2:33 PM

 
Marvel comic movies rock. DC comic movies are apparently on the hit list for hollywood. No really. Take a look at Batman. Where else can we take the superhero that you never want to meet in a back alley because he might have to beat you up, too and turn him into the silly hollywood appearance that has permeated the big screen? I mean spiderman and daredevil both came out very cool and very hip. The X-men? impressive. Powers, villians, contemporary plot on racism. Batman? well let's start with the villians. Penguin--Danny Devito. Maybe. Only he is so fat in the movie that the only scary aspect of him is that he may have to eat your family. And even though I am sure it would be unsettling to see thousands of real penguins coming towards you with rockets on their backs, it doesn't really fall into that superhero threat category. Catwoman--Michell Phifer. Ok points for good casting and she certainly isn't hard to look at. However, no real threat. She is really more interested in blowing up microwwave ovens and spray painting stuff. Granted she ripped up Bats a bit, but overall, unless you are scared of over cooked popcorn from the microwave--no fear. Mister Freeze-- Arnold. Ok I like some Arnold movies--that slow wit and puny approach with the Austrian accent works. For a while. 2 and 1/2 hours does not. Plus it's alway poor casting to have your villian 85 feet taller than your hero. Riddler--Jim Carrey. Ok actually I thought as the Riddler he was really great. I just can't stand him as an actor. Does it say something about my feelings for his acting when I think that the Riddler was his greatest role? Two-Face--Tommy Lee Jones. Ok now here is the good villian. However they don't do enough with him. He looked the part, played the part and was decent. So let's put him in only parts of the movie. argh. Finally Joker--Jack Nickelson. Nothing bad here. He was good. Actually he was just Jack. He's Jack in every movie. He could be the joker, the killer in the shining, and that clown from as Good as it gets and play all three roles in the same outfit and character. Actually in A Few Good Men he was still playing the role of the JOKER. just couldn't see his white face paint in the military uniform.

Then there are the BAT-DUDES. val kilmer--get out of here. you did ok as batman but you were horrible with bruce wayne. at first I thought it was that he was a good, pensive batman. NO. Watch again. He is just a spoiled little actor that nobody likes. Not even his own mother. You want proof? Name a good val kilmer movie besides Real Genius, The ghost and the Darkness, Top Gun and possilby Heat. Time's up. I know you didn't say Island of Dr. MoreauGeorge Clooney--Don't even get me started again on him. I am still waiting for the last challenge I issued him. Check the archives for January if you are interested in my challenge to George Clooney. and finally Michael Keeton. Two words--Mister MOM. How does Mister Mom get to wear the bat-mask? Holy crazy casting. Quick let me use the bat-vacume cleaner to get the bat dust out of here. (Sadly, I actually thought he did the best job of the group.) So there you have it. don't let Hollywood make any more DC comic movies. I won't even talk about the sad way the superman movies came out. Roll the credits.

posted by Darol at 1:23 PM

 
Nothing new to report today except that I am undertaking a side venture to my rants and raves. I wanted a place to get better at sharing what things the LORD is doing in my life. I figure that few people will read either page, but if you are interested, check out this page. It should be online in a few days. Roll the credits.
posted by Darol at 2:45 PM

 
So I haven't posted in quite some time. I have no really cool remarks to make. I have no good goat stories, like curtis does. I can only offer an insight into the majesty that is a monday morning in goodrich. I wake up at my regular time after little sleep. Why? because I am idiot who gets really tired and then stays up watching tv instead of going to bed even though I am exhausted. However, we can discuss my stupidity at another time. So I make the trip to goodrich staring into a brightly lit sun. Oh it was gorgeous. However, it was also the rough equivalent of staring into triple spotlights at a 3 centimeter distance. I have no idea what was along the road on the way here. We may have hit 5 cows for all I know. Then I get to listen to KSBJ on the way. Now I love the music even when it's a bit repetitive and same sounding. And I know the dj is just trying to liven up the morning. But they both sounded like robots who had never been exposed to physical exercise. I know, I know you are wondering what I am talking about. See as a backdrop, the morning crew pledged to lose a lot of weight and get in shape. So each week a trainer comes on the show and talks about certain fitness things. Of course talking about fitness really doesn't address the need to expend calories but hey it's a start. Only these guys act like they have never even heard of fitness things....."so why are you moving with your feet in that fast, up and down manner?" JOG-GING? what is this JOG-GING? Please tell us more." (by the way the robot reference will make more sense if you read those words one at a time in a mechanical manner.)

And then I get to work to see 4 inches of water throughout the hallways and some of the classes. We had a water break. Whoo-hoo. So I get the various vermin to move their two-by-two line to the side and start the process of mopping and squeegying (no I think there is no proper spelling for that word) the halls and classes. The only problem is that the squeegee ( I will just keep chaning it up) I use is the same size as the one from the gas station. Thus I am bent over in a double question mark position trying to remove water from the hallway by pushing it to the door. Now the rats and field mice are arguing over who gets to get on the ark first and a family of raccoon's keep glaring menacingly at me for creating a pool in what was apparently their basement apartment. It's now 9:30. Did I mention I have a headache? roll the credits.

posted by Darol at 9:32 AM

 
After a long break, I have returned to annoy the several of you who read this page. At current count, that number has skyrocketed to 7 (counting me). Today's treat has no theme. Just a few odds and ends.

Memo to the girl scouts: Leave me alone. You see, I used to like the girl scouts cookie thing. They offered many varieties and they were tasty. Times they have a changed. First off, the box of cookies shouldn't be called a box at all. It's now down to the size of a Big Mac container and only holds 12 cookies. But since they still charge you 3 bucks, they ought to call it 4 for a buck. and I could live with the horrible economic situation if they still relied upon the door to door sales. A flock of girl scouts come to my door and begin steadily knocking. I see through the window that they have gathered to sell endless "boxes" of their trade. Knowing that I only have enough for 2 boxes ($24), I don't open the door and subject myself to the flock. The rules have changed in this area as well. Now the flock sets up shop in front of every single store that I have a need or desire to shop at. What's worse, the group has attended acting classes so that when they attack you as you get out of your car, they also attempt to gain eye contact so that you can see the wimpering depression of being told I'm sorry but I cannot afford to buy your cookies as I would like to pay rent this month. and should you elect to fall into their trap and agree to a purchase, it must meet the approval of the entire flock. One box is not enough. You must purchase from the entire flock equally or risk the wrath of all. Leave me alone cookie hounds.

Be sure and look for my new novel: In search of a box---A Mime's story.

In Houston we have many, many radio stations. So can someone explain to my why 106.9 (which is supposed to play the best of the 80s) translats into a station that plays their favorite 16 songs from the 80s? yes I am old. yes I miss the days of my youth. My youth, however, was not spent listening to the songs they play on that stupid station. I listen vainly to hear an occasional Def Leppard or Van Halen tune, only to be tortured by Culture club (who by the way were neither a culture nor a club) and Tears for Fears. I don't know about Everybody wanting to rule the world, but I do know one guy who would like to blow up their tranlator. They get a Golden Straw (See post for 2/25).

any time you can, watch the 1980s version of Flash Gordon. Any movie that features lines like "go, Flash, go" during the big fight scene is simply a must. Plus you can hear the classic rock band Queen chanting "Flash! He'll save everyone of us," in the background.

Finally, an idea to torture local resident George Russell. This is a gentlemen who wants to protect the environment. I can appreciate that. However, he annoints trees with oil, has started his own religion where he happens to be the grand poobah, renames himself Tiberius-Hepheus-Stupidus (or some other greek myth name), elects first time visitors to his church as deacons, and runs about the city throwing himself in front of anything that threatens trees. You know things like rain, wind, mean words, piercing glares from birds. So I propose that everyone mail him boxes of tree branches. They can be ones that are already on the ground; just cut them up a bit so that they appear to have been taken from a tree and tortured. Perhaps even an occasional threat like "there's more where this came from" or "I hate trees" or even "you are a clown" could accompany your mailing. Roll the credits.

posted by Darol at 11:48 AM

 
What to say what to say...How about today we investigate bad product ideas from the Vaguely Obscure on-line marketting program. First up:
Ninja Frisbee In this game, particpants take turns hurling throwing stars at each other, catching them, and sending them back. The winner is the last one to have 2 working fingers (must be attached by more than a band-aid). This game could be played in teams or in group format. Not to be confused however with ultimate Ninja frisbee. An interesting irony to this game is that many traditional frisbee players are pacifists. Now to enjoy the game, that will have to change. There is not a penalty for novices who use their heads to catch the throwing stars. Cost $19.99 per set of three. Disability insurance extra. All requests must be accompanied by a waiver of rights to sue manufacturer.

Our next items are from the Horrible Fragrence collection. We have many distastful aromas with which to drive away unwelcome house guests. Each candle is guarenteed to burn for 8 hours or until your guests run screaming from the house. The following is a partial list of available fragrances: Wet Dog, Curdled Milk, Moldy Bread, Tepid Dishwater, Essence of New Jersey, and a seasonal favorite Summer Sweat.

Finally, a little something for the kids (and the kids at heart). Who doesn't love Beanie Babies? We are proud to introduce our foray into the exciting world of plush, cute toys for spoiled kids: the Road Kill Collection. There is Ricky the Bloated Raccoon, Sammy the smushed armadillo, Mickey the mangied dog, and Rufus the rotting rat. Roll the credits.

posted by Darol at 3:31 PM

 
Welcome to the first edition of the Golden Straw. The Golden Straw is dedicated to things that suck. From time to time I will hand out the Golden Straw for various topics. In honor of the grammy's being this week, today's category is worst albums/artists. Now before I get flamed on the message board by the three people who actually read this, I will defend myself by saying that this is totally subjective. since I am the one with the award, I get to give out the awards as I please.
The first golden straw goes to the artist who made poor decisons--lifetime award John-Cougar-Mellencamp-cougar-John-Mellencougar-Johncamp. He gets the golden straw for having more name changes than Elizabeth Taylor who was at least married 8 times to support her name changes. It's not that I hate his music; his music doesn't suck. All of his name changes do suck. Notice he hasn't changed his name in several years. Mostly because no-one knows who is he these days.
The next Golden Straw goes to the 8 mile soundtrack. No I didn't listen to this one. I didn't have to see the movie either because I saw the 3 minute montage of commercials that told me the story and captured all the music I needed in one tidy little annoying commercial. Wanna-be rapper works crummy job, lives a crummy life, has a crummy family. Wanna-be wants to be a star. Gets a chance, blows it. Rest of movie spent in the angst-ridden life of wanne-be making the most of his next chance. Finally, Rocky errr Eminem conquers all. All songs spent talking about new great job, great life, and chance to have great family. Until 8 mile (2) where Eminem meets a Russian Rapper who takes steroids and after rapping beats people down. That too would suck.
Our next Golden Straw goes to most annoying artist of the year. So many difficult choices for this one. However, the winner is Christina Aguilara. I don't even care if I spelled her name wrong. Why does she get the golden straw? Is it because she dressed like tramp? Nope. Is it because she looks like a cat that has been run through the dishwasher 13 times? Nope. Is it because her video dirty is just too stupid for words? Nope. Although all three reasons would get her nominated for the golden straw. The main reason she wins is her song "Beautiful." See the problem is that you can't have these first three things and then claim you are beautiful as you are. Huge problem. Now you could claim "hey I went through those first three things then I came to my senses and God saved me and now I am beautiful." Then you would have a great song. But you don't get to be a dirty, disheveled, smutty tramp (by your own choice) and then claim that it makes you beautiful. Side note: Nautilus gets a golden cocktail straw for playing music like this while I am working out. There is little motivation in the gym while this is playing. And as I am currently falling apart as an old, flabby 35 year old I need all the motivation I can get. Play some rock...heck play elevator muzak but not this stuff
Golden Straw for album of the year goes to Elvis. yeah I know he was the king. but you shouldn't get to release albums 20 years after you are dead. Sure it may not be his fault. Who cares? It still sucks that he has albums coming out this long after he has died. Plus, the songs are already all released. These aren't new ones. These are all songs put together on one album. However, everyone who has a cd burner has already done this. Everyone who doesn't have a burner probably already owns the other albums. It reminds me, sadly, of one of my favorite Christian Bands, Whiteheart. Whiteheart was near the end of their career as a band but the record company wanted to make huge (cha-ching) change. So, guess what? White heart released 3 albums in a row that were greatest hits. This, to go along with 3 previous greatest hits albums. 6 greatest hits albums. If I ever get to be in a band, we are releasing our greatest hits album as our first one. saves time.
Well that about does it for the first Golden Straw. We will bring you the after Golden Straw party highlights at a later time. Roll the credits.
posted by Darol at 10:08 AM

 
I know it's easy to do but I am going to take the cheap post and blog on France. I mean really, what in the heck have they done for the world? I don't care about somebody's politics. Hey you don't think there should be a war fine. You think there should be a war fine. but france shouldn't get a vote. All they do is lose wars, surrender, make wine, and then surrender some more just to be sure that the first surrender took. They don't scare anybody. In fact, I bet Saddam is almost a little mad that France doesn't want to fight. at least he could win that one. How did France even get in the UN? I guess everyone figured that they were tired of going in during each war and taking backa country that the French can't defend. So they must have figured, what the heck, we will just let France be on our side and that way save the aggrivation of marching through their stupid country to take it back once they lose to the shriners or whatever else little convention overruns them. They don't even make good fries anymore and Walmart makes their bread for a buck. What a loser country. We should ask our selves what would we really lose by giving France away. We could trade them for gatorade and let them joing with Iraq. At least when Germany want to fight you, you remember the past and get a little concerned. Ok so I know that I am not the first person to have invective toward France and certainly others have put it better but c'mon. You take away their berets and that one big tower and France really doesn't offer much. Most high schools aren't even teaching French anymore. well they might be teaching it but nobody cares and who really takes it? you can only learn to save "we give up" in so many ways. France wasn't always that bad. I mean they had the muskateers (although now that I think about it the mousekateers might not be a walt disney group). roll the credits
posted by Darol at 2:39 PM

 
This will not be a long one, but it will carry with it a very serious plea. Please help stop movies from showing in Huntsville. Now I know that having a cinema here is convenient. I know that the prices are good, only $5 for the movie and snacks are reasonable. However, the madness must end. Premier night of any movie in Huntsville is akin to inviting the Manson family (charles or Marrilyn) over to your house for an evening of scrabble. There is great chaos and you must fear for your life. First, the families of huntsville have no clue what to bring children to. YOU DO NOT bring 12 year old and younger children to the movie you want to see when it's rated R. And if you must corrupt your child, why are you doing it at the 9:30 pm showing? Put your child to bed and take the $8.50 in tickets and snacks and buy a book on parenting. Or at least get one of those leashes for children because having them play hide and seek in the aisles is not a good idea. This is how little children get beat up by older children. Or at least threatened with knives, but you would have to seek out and ask Curtis about that.

An even larger problem is the adults. Repeat after me, we do not yell things at the screen because the big pictures can not hear you, they won't react to you, and they will not do what you say. Of course this is to be expected in a town that makes its living by combining odd businesses. For example if you drive down 11th street you will pass a businness that sells transmissions and shoes. I couldn't make that up if I tried. and believe me, I have tried to beat it. Even barbershop/grooming kennels makes more sense because they both utilize cutting instruments. Welcome to the fringes of East Texas where it only gets weirder the deeper you travel. When resteraunts end their name with "shack", no matter how good the food, you need to be suspcious. In Livingston there is the "Chicken Shack". Think about.....someone not only thought it was a good name but they kept thinking it was a good name as they made the sign to the establishment. Even confronted with "Chicken Shack" they maintained that it was good eatin. Back to the movies.

the screens are smaller than most big screen tv's and my living room holds nearly as many people as some of the theaters. Now that wouldn't be bad except that means you area really close to the people why buy their shoes from the transmission place while snacking on the Chicken Shack Snack Pack. Plus you get to watch the slide show of a dentist as part of the previews. If you are not from huntsville you probably think I am making this up. If you are from Huntsville, then you are either nodding your head in shame or wiping your chin from snack pack and thinking "I kinda thought that dentist movie had been previewin for a long time". Ban the cinema. Roll the credits.

posted by Darol at 3:13 PM

 
Now it's not that I am against Valentine's Day. It's not that I am a lonely person who has no one for Valentine's day and am thus full of bitter invective. Well ok that might be part of it but still that's not the main reason for this complaint. I think Valentine's Day is alright. I actually enjoyed giving out presents and cards when I was dating someone. But the current commercial crop is insane when it comes to Valentine's Day. I can see giving candy, cards, music, little special knick-knacks from the little special knick-knack store. However, now the commercials on the tv and radio are just looney. I mean running a special on cell phones for your sweetheart? that doesn't scream of love, it screams of stalking. "here honey, since I don't know where you are every minute of the day I bought you a phone so that I could keep tabs on you. and would you mind wearing this sensor tag so that I can track you properly as well? Love you." Not a good idea if you value the lack of restraining orders in your relationships. Then there is the diamond companies. Ok, jewelery is a decent gift for valentine's day. At least some of it is. However the commercials have you purchasing a $2000 "treat" for your sweetie. Now if you add up the amount that the jewelery stores want to you spend on the wedding ring, her birthday, and valentine's (the last two being yearly gifts), you need three jobs. So, essentially you are giving these trinkets because you aren't off work any other time in the year because you are working 120 hours weeks. So every kiss begin's with K (Kay Jewelers) but every stroke begins with buying $10,000 dollars in annual diamonds. Now we come to the commercials that have nothing to do with the Valentines. they are just looking for some cheap exposure. Do you really care that Culligan's is running a February special? What are they gonna say? "give your love a healthy heart--good water." Although it is better than the commercial I can envision being run for eye lasic surgery. "Do you want to really see who you have been dating? then give the gift of vision." The Beef council--nothing says love like steak. Actually I am kinda in agreement with that one. Roll the credits
posted by Darol at 12:36 PM

 
I really want to complain about something but I don't really have anything to be upset about. Except being sick. You know, maybe it's because I work at an elementary school, but when you are sick there is very little value in the commentary those around you make. Let's review the comments I have had over the past few days. Now I do understand that some of the comments were made with loving intentions. Nonetheless, do you go up to a grouchy bear and punch it's cub in the head? No. This would be poor planning on your part. So is stating these comments to me when I am circling death's neighborhood.

"So, are you sick?" The check-out girl at Brookshires after seeing my items (tylenol and cough syrup). Nah, I just thought that I would have a really good time since drinking the entire bottle of Scope turned out so well

"You look really bad." Numerous employees who have mastered the art of understatement. Really, you look really unemployed

"Are you taking anything for that?" again numerous people. No, I don't believe that getting better will benefit me in anyway. I actually prefer the feeling of coughing up pieces of my body. Why settle for a lung when you can actually force pieces of your retina to disengage through the sheer force of coughing?

"Look at what happened to the copy machine," copy machine guy. Look, dude, your job is important. However, my head has exploded and there is precious little left. On top of that I don't care what happened to each ball bearing in the rotor tract of the copy machine. My needs will be met by simply telling me, I found the problem and fixed it. I certainly don't need or want flow charts that graphicly detail why certain bearings within the machine didn't have a good time at the copy party and revolted.

"Let's go see a George Clooney Movie" NO. Sure I liked Ocean's Eleven and O Brother. after that, I now have no good things to say about the man's movies. In fact, I didn't get sick until after seeing the new one "confessions of a dangerous mind". While I won't blame my friends for going there, I will blame George Clooney. In fact I am publicly challenging him now to either brawl with me or make a movie that is entertaining. He has little chance of succes at either but it is an open challenge. If I find his home address, I will be forwarding all medical bills to him. Perhaps there are some molecules from the movie theater where the movie was viewed that were tainted by the movie itself. These molecules found their way into my body and as a result my immunity system has taken drastic measures to remove them. I mean really drastic. There seems to be no blood left in my extremities and I know for a fact that before the retina's began detaching, I had coughed up both lungs, part of a kidney, and all of by spleen. Clooney owes me a lot of cash. Roll the credits

posted by Darol at 11:19 AM

 
Two days in a row? Stop the presses. Actually I don't really have anything to ramble about yet. But I want to send my good friends who got me involved with this litte excursion some air time. so head on over to Kevin's place or to Curt's ramble. Which to tell you the truth is kind of ridiculous since the only people who read my rants are Curt, Kevin, and Jason. Jason has yet to create one of these things and Curt and Kevin know their own address. Thus this entire entry is stupid on my part. Anything else? OOOHH! how about the Texas weather. Let's have a month where it's the dead of winter, yet the temperature is 80 degrees!!!! That's not right. It is just plain wrong. Besides the fact that the ver next day the temp. drops to 40. What is that? The only time one should have a 40 degree change in one day is if there is protractor and geometry problem involved. That is the only time. Roll the credits.
posted by Darol at 11:05 AM

 
Reality TV sucks. It should be called Not Even Close To Reality TV. I might want to watch it then. Hmmmm. Meet the folks. Now here is an interesting premise. We will gather 4 or 5 members of the one sex (who are all hot) to compete for a rich member of the opposite sex (who is hot) and then we will video tape the soft core results all the while throwing in comments from the parents like "do you think it will last?" Gee, I dunno. Do you think it will last? 5 people you don't know all competing for someone they don't know. I can't see how this wouldn't be a lifetime relationship. The best part is when all of the people act like whatever is coming next is a suprize. "I can't believe my ex showed up." do you not watch the show? See if they wanted to make this reality tv they would put people like me on there as we try to find people who would go out with us since we aren't rich or hot. Now that is reality.
This brings us to Survivor. The only redeeming quality from this show is that we now have a new insult to throw about. "We are voting you off the island" and the "tribe has spoken". After that this show sucks. Now stay with me on this one. We are going to take people to a dismal place and make them compete for money. Ok, maybe. Next we will act like they have only what we give them to survive. Now you have blown it. If Billy the survivor starts to head into a starvation coma are you telling me that the camera guy won't give him a snickers? Then to make it worse, let's interview each contestant in as melodramtic fashion as possible. That's reality? No that is annoying. My idea for survivor would be to head to the local walmart on pay weekend. The goal would be buy all the stuff you need, this has to be like your two week shopping needs, without getting into a fight, losing your temper, or (and this is tricky) running into people who still think the mullett is a way of life and not just a hairstyle. You get the immunity necklace if you don't run into some one missing all but one tooth, or a man wearing a tank top where there is more epidermus showing than is covered. Now that's reality, at least in East Texas. Roll the credits.
posted by Darol at 12:13 PM

 
I have lost my mind. I even checked under the dirty clothes I keep neatly piled by my bedroom door. It's not there. I have written papers for a month now, played a lot of star trek games, and studied for finals. Well two of the three anyway. I would like to be witty, but I can't. I can only keep telling myself that climbing to the top of AB 1 and hurling insults at all who pass by would be un Christian. and ineffective. and at this point cold. plus there aren't really that many people I am mad at. Mostly the whole doctoral program at Sham. So I could just walk in there and hurl insults at them. Of course I still get back to the Un-Christian and ineffective. Cold however would at least be taken care of. And why am I getting my doctorate, you ask? Heck if I know. I guess I can be a really cool greeter at walmart. "that's DR. GREETER, to you pal. Now excuse me as I go collect baskets from the parking lot. I dunno it seems to lose it's power. I will rant about one other thing though.

have you ever driven between huntsville and Livingston? Let us forget the fact that there are several small communities where the cast from Deliverence spend their off season. And futher let us forget that the soon to be completed Sonic in Onalaska represents a spike in the dining cuisine of the area. It's like one huge block of horrible businesses from onlaska to Livingston. For 12 miles it's nothing but auto shops, sad looking gas stations, and pawn-flea market-stolen goods being fenced-horrible things rescued from the trash shopping. And people think there are aliens earth?Heck any body from another state sees this place and they will leave, much less people from another planet. roll the credits

posted by Darol at 7:32 PM

 
well now let's talk about statistics, shall we? Why are they important? They are not. I don't mind averages. Averages are nice little things and they make sense. They are helpful. Oh they are still stupid and annoy me in the grand scheme of statistics but overall averages mind their business and leave you alone. Now they can be helpful or misleading. "How much does the average american eat in pizza? Oh 59 pizzas a year." that's an average and it helps. Because I know that I did not eat 59 pizzas, it makes me feel better knowing somone did eat their 59 and some of mine as well. However, other statistics are evil. ANOVAs and T-Tests are evil. What? you don't understand what I am talking about? No problem, neither do I. That's my point. No one truly understands them. They were invented by people who had no social skills and instead of talking with people about issues that matter, the miscreants gathered together to plug in 7 computers at a time and develop statistic tests. Of course, they did this when they weren't busy hacking into governtment sites or trying to watch illicit movies from Bolivia. Thus the computer-geek-hacker-downloaders invent statistics to torment people with. This further supports my theory that those in charge of choosing what statistics are needed for college are really hacker-wanna-be's. If the hackers say it's good, they we believe it. I hate statistics. Roll the credits.
posted by Darol at 12:38 PM

 
I hate Lexus. the car, the commercial. Maybe even words that rhyme with Lexus, at this point. See I don't mind the fact that someone wants to buy a car. I don't care that the car may cost more than the gross national product of most countries who don't take the entire continent. Hey it's your cash, enjoy. BUT, do not portray the commercial that says, "look honey I bought you a lexus, just a little something for under the tree this Christmas." Now you ticked me off. Who says that? Who says, when present with a new matchbox car, much less a real life sized one, "oh you shouldn't have"..Really? no kidding. What you shouldn't do is act like your car is the same thing as picking up a couple of happy meals at McDonalds. Look I brought home a McFry."Oh, you shouldn't have". See that works. That is appropriate. That does not make me want to take blunt instrument and bludgeon people.

and while on the topic of bludgeoning people, I am currently planning on considering a bludgeoning for the following people: Professors at Sam Houston, the constable who gave me a speeding ticket, Leonardo Dicaprio (or however you spell his name), the makers of Star Trek Armada, and Visa. Now of course I would never really want to hurt anyone and I use bludgeon in only the friendliest of terms. Now. Jason can feel relieved that I would get in trouble for threatening harm. Roll the credits.
posted by Darol at 8:59 AM

 
Apparently crime does pay. Leonardo gets to be a criminal. Said criminal gets millions of dollars, flies for free, gets lots of hot chicks, then outsmarts all of the FBI, NATO, the Miami Police department, and several other small country governments. Then he calls the the FBI to gloat. Then gets caught. Serves a few years in prison then GETS A JOB WITH the FBI???????? with lots of money, a wife, kids, and a new check book. Roll the credits. WHAT IN THE HECK is that all about? That's it I am going to committ a crime and then agree to help bring myself in, but only after promising myself amnesty. roll the credits.
posted by Darol at 3:56 PM